The quiet ambiance in my apartment at 1:00 am is like no other. Quickly the idea of romanticism enters my mind, but also the mystery of the moon that shines so beautifully outside my kitchen window. Strangely enough I think about Federico Garcia Lorca, and I think back on the idea of “only mystery allows us to love, only mystery”. The human concept of the “unknown” is what fortifies the idea to discover and act upon our passions to find ourselves through the road called life. It is why many try to find themselves through their hobbies, whether it be art, photography, science, literature, etc… It’s basically a human condition to discover, interpret, and seek answers in a world with greater unknowns and millions of possibilities.
Then again, I am just a person in my living room seeking my own truth, my own path, my own identity in the never ending world in which I live in.
Although I was a political science major in college, I was quickly gravitated towards the independent thought brought upon in philosophy. I lived by Henry David’s Thoreau’s quote “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined”, since it’s fairly reminiscent of my mother’s believe that “we only live once”, as she would say every time she saw my bewildered face before I made a decision. The notion to discover the world, but most importantly myself lead me to become isolated from the masses of followers I would see in school everyday. I simply wanted to become an independent thinker.
My youth is reflective of the person I became in college, and hence the person I am today. I grew up in a Spanish speaking home, and although I was born in this great country, my whole life has consisted of abstractions. Meaning, I wasn’t exactly “typical”. I never fit in a particular crowd, and therefore solitude became my companion, and a long the way I become stronger about the person I would soon grow up to be. My fair skin color, automatically disqualified me from being considered “Latina” in school, yet my lack of the English language also disallowed me from being part of the “white” group. I instinctively felt different, out of place, and lost. The long road to self discovery led me to become stronger by standing up for myself as a person without the need of representation or belonging.
Mystery creates intrigue, and the disappointments and the sleepless nights remains worth the result, and yet at the age of 29 and a soon to be mom I still live by the thought of the “unknown” and the exciting things that await me. I will keep living through Thoreau’s perspective, and as I sit here in my living room late at night I think to myself the endless possibilities and obstacles I have yet to overcome through the many phases of my life as myself, as a wife, and now as a mother.
Above is a photograph I took using a Pentax 1970’s 35mm camera. I developed the film, and created the dark and bright colors that delicately contrast the interior and exterior of the lamp that brightly hung on a Pasadena, California brick wall. The bulb representing “light”, is a symbol of my forever curiosity about life, and always making sure I am well guided through the road of discovery and self thought.